PMDD Diaries

By Courtney Crevier

I’ve ruined all of my relationships. I run back into seclusion because I’m ashamed of what I’ve done…again. I’m so alone. Shattered and dismantled like a broken mirror, I throw down the shards of glass to break them even more until they are nonexistent. Now, with blood on my hands, I give up. 

I surrendered.

I surrendered to the truth that something was really wrong with me. I suspected this was hormonal and began self-treatment. I was seeing a guy and thought that birth control would balance out my hormones and therefore my mood. I turned to the Nexplanon implant but quickly noticed that I became much worse mood-wise and had a period for two weeks straight. I literally felt my blood boil and my heart pound. I felt like I was going insane, becoming violent, rage-full and had strong, compulsive thoughts of suicide all of a sudden. I was only on Nexplanon for about a month before I had it removed. After that, I didn’t change much but remained okay until the next month.

The effects are profound and not only devastating to everyone around me, but to my body as well. Aside from the acne, breast tenderness, exhaustion, food cravings, and occasional head and body aches, my mind endured the greatest amount of pain and distress, exclusively during that peak PMS time of the luteal phase in the menstrual cycle. The fear was constant for days, with my mind racing and my OCD getting out of hand.

I’ve feared for my life so many times…too many times. I never really knew what I would do, but always felt like I had to do something. I couldn’t even describe the deep feeling I felt. It was basically like all the rage, anxiety, hysteria, and depression together, times ten. And it’s confusing, you have all this negative energy but don’t know why, what to do with it or how to react (hormonal changes to blame). All I could hear was the clock ticking louder and louder and my heart pounding like a bomb about to explode, louder and louder. I was over-sensitive and felt the pain of everything. A roller coaster of fluctuating hormones encircling my mind quickly became a massive train wreck. But my literal cries for help would eventually be heard and my prayers answered. 

I checked myself into a hospital because I felt out of control and suicidal. I even had a plan (a very detailed plan). And the health professionals said that I likely had major depression (clinical) and advised me to follow-up through counseling and psychiatry. I was sent home with no medications offered at all. I had been to many male doctors who all assumed that I was depressed. And when I told them I felt insane right before my period, they literally looked at me like I was crazy and tilted their heads as in questioning disbelief. I became frustrated. My thoughts did not seem like my own.

Three days after my hospital visit, I got my period. Those dark thoughts seemed to disappear. I was feeling fine; optimistic, energized, and hopeful to start over with the rebuilding process…only to destroy and tear it down again in two weeks. The weeks come fast. And the vicious cycle begins once again! 

I didn’t care what I would be later diagnosed with or what God had chosen to put on the cross I bear because I was desperate for help. The magnitude of my mental health was clearly disrupting my ability to live life to its fullest and happiest. Addressing it was a healthy start. I had done much research on my own about PMS and PMDD. The results were stunning to know just how much I was relating to both of these diagnoses. The main difference between PMS and PMDD is that PMDD is much more severe, especially with stronger emotions and dramatic mood swings. I also learned that some birth control with high levels of progesterone can actually exacerbate symptoms. This is because many women with PMDD have a low tolerance or high sensitivity to progesterone since these levels drop dramatically during the luteal phase and so the body automatically creates more estrogen to counteract the balance.

It is no wonder why I had felt crazy all this time! I knew that this was much more complex than just having clinical depression. I knew there was a pattern consistent with my cycle. I remembered all the times I’d have my episodes of mood swings and the time I was using the Nexplanon implant and correlated them to something- my period.

In addition to this new revelation, I’ve realized that it also seems to be exacerbated every time I’m romantically involved with a man, after falling in love with them and then becoming lovesick from heartbreak when it didn’t work out. It was this overwhelming sense of deep loss and grief that had washed upon me like a giant wave and would last for a couple years. But though to say everybody is different.

So, I worked hard and combined all the relevant information I could find, took online quizzes with suggestions, plus gathered much documentation over the past several months formatted into a timeline of my real-life struggles. 

It didn’t take long before I was waltzing my way back into the clinic, soon to be diagnosed with PMDD. My new female doctor just grinned and said this was very common. She even said the effects of PMDD are similar to those of being drunk in the sense you lose inhibitions. She was speaking words I could not speak for myself, which was music to my ears. I knew I was finally going to get some relief!

I was prescribed Prozac and though it was highly effective for me and many women with PMDD, I couldn’t stand the side effects. So, I decided to self-medicate naturally with a natural supplement I found online called Moody Bird by HUM Nutrition. It literally saved my life and I’m happy every day of the month. Most of those relationships could not be restored or reconciled. But now, I am myself again, happy and healthy. I can maintain my current relationships with everyone because of their love and support. Having a good diet, exercising, and taking Moody Bird supplements all were incorporated into my daily living and routine. 

My diagnosis was liberating, as were my new supplements (having no side effects). It was a revelation of a decade-long battle, a closure, but a beginning to a new time that changed my life in so many beautiful ways. I just so happened to get one of the feminine kind. 

I accept myself for who I am and am not ashamed of my feelings or the past. I highly respect myself and my body and am grateful to this life God has given me. I no longer need to suffer from a bondage I felt I could never break free from where no one understood me. But the more we know about ourselves and in recognizing the patterns, we can be our own heroines and heroines for each other.

Awareness is everything.

About the Warrior:

Courtney Crevier is a warrior woman with many dreams, who embraces PMDD as a gift.

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