By Elouise Griffin
Checking the calendar, counting the days until it comes
A sense of hope it will not visit, until upon me it slums
As soon as my eyes open at my pillow, I am so aware
I recognize this feeling, PMDD are you there?
My lips are bitten red and raw, I should have known
My head feels cloudy and my joyful voice has lost its tone,
My breasts are so heavy and my back aches,
Running on no energy, how much more can I take?
It’s starting to consume me, it’s a destabilizing force
I try to remind myself it’s okay, to let it run its course
When people ask me what is wrong, I feel a wave of shame
Why is it so embarrassing to mention this disorder’s name?
The stigma is so heavy, it weighs me down
‘But it’s just your period! Why such a big frown?’
Avoiding plans on these days, breaking down in isolation
15% of sufferers commit suicide, why do they not teach us this in education?
The same dark secrets come to the fore,
Is it just my hormones or is it something more?
All my rationality seems to disappear
How can the smallest thing reduce me to tears?
With little to no treatment available, it’s a frustrating ride
So many doctors overlook me, so many have lied
The lack of research fills me deep with rage,
Why is there enough information to barely cover a page?
My friends and family would usually describe me as the sun,
But when my mum looks at me she can tell it has begun,
For it is the monster that has taken over and rid me of my joy,
Why does it chuck me around and play with me like I’m its toy?
I am so grateful for the support, but can’t help but push it away
Yes, I have convinced myself I’m a burden, and no – there’s nothing you can say
I refuse to be a bother, and I can’t stand it being all about me,
How do I accept help without wanting to flee?
My boyfriend is amazing, he is always by my side
But every time I lie to him, it crumbles me inside
‘I’m fine’ I say while holding back my tears
Does he know that bringing him down with me is my biggest fear?
And just like that, it’s over, it’s had its time,
It leaves me in what feels like the scene of a crime,
Puffy eyes and dark circles – the remains of intrusive thoughts,
I write down this month’s lessons, the things I have been taught.
And here I am, left to pick up the pieces and move on,
Til’ next time PMDD, because for now you are gone.
About the Warrior
Hiya! My name is Elouise Griffin, I am 20 years old and have been suffering from PMDD from my earliest teen years. I try to see my PMDD as an opportunity to help others and spread awareness. My experience with the disorder encourages me to pursue my dream of being a mental health counselor.