Accept, Forgive, and Love

No Shame

By Alexandra Soulmama Sandbäck

I’ve been struggling with on-and-off depression, with seemingly no reason, for years.

Finally, my regular doctor and I realized that it was linked to my cycle and that it was in fact PMDD. I was diagnosed.

But after that I have been going to OBGYNs and have heard the same thing over and over from these ‘experts:’

“It’s just PMS. Everyone has it.

You should take anti-depressants.”

I’ve been saddened by this, over and over. But I know my body, I know my strength, and I know my rights as a human being to be validated, and that this is a clinical condition, diagnosed and real.

Please, stay strong, and fight for your right to your own diagnosis. But don’t let it control you – accept and forgive.

. . .

No Shame

My partner took this photo, and several others, of me after a walk in a snowy forest, when we landed in a small wooden cabin. It was a beautiful setting and I just had to get naked to get the full self-love experience from that day of tough and dark feelings. I was more or less freezing my ass off, but there were some lovely photos taken, with love handles, and cellulite, and all those curves. And when I got down from the bench I was posing on he embraced me and said: “You’re so brave”

When I’m having my worst days of PMDD and everything seems hopeless and dark, I do one or more of these three things. This photo represents a day when I managed to do all three – a glorious day in the midst of sadness.

1. Going out in nature. Moving my body. Feeling that it still has strength, that it still carries me. That I am one with everything around me.

2. Taking self-portraits, preferably nude. When I am in my most vicious self-hatred state of mind, I try to force myself into a small photoshoot so I can process what my body looks like, and find even one photo where I feel I look beautiful – and try to totally embrace that feeling.

3. Staying close to loved ones. This is not afforded to everyone at every time, but I am lucky to have a partner who tries his best to understand me. And although I wish to just shut everything out and lay on the couch I do my best to find comfort in him. Explaining to him, if necessary, what is going on, and being brave enough to ask for what I need most – LOVE.

. . .

About the Warrior

Alexandra Soulmama Sandbäck

I am a 31-year-old artist, writer, photographer, and graphic designer. I do as much commission work as I can get to try to survive financially somehow, but a really good day is spent painting or writing just for myself. I have released two books and am currently working on several writing projects. I have a partner and a cat, and without them, I have no idea how I would’ve gotten through my Mom’s passing last summer. I am a woman barely afloat, but with great hope for a better tomorrow. I have suffered from PMDD since my teens I suppose, but I got diagnosed a mere couple of years ago. That explained my entire adult life so far, and since then I’ve been accepting, forgiving, and accommodating for this part of who I am.

You can find me at and, as well as @soulmamaarts on Instagram.

You might also like