By Tracy Preston
Today I had a good day. Had to be tough with some of our vendors at work, and it felt good because I knew I had a leg to stand on. I was confident, productive, and professional; something I strive to be every day. But today, I’m afraid of falling asleep and letting this mood/phase slip away. Sleeping is my reset, but I don’t want to reset this mood. I want it to stay. I want it to be like this every day…even though I know it cannot be. Tomorrow will be another battle, fighting for control over my own mind and body. Part of me is tired of this battle, wanting to give up, but I know I can’t.
. . .
After 31 years, I finally found the man I am supposed to be with. A man who is loving, understanding and patient, willing to help me through my dark days. Having a partner that supports you, that is your rock through this battle, makes all the difference in the world. Then, there is my family; two nieces and one nephew, they are my entire world, along with Sadie my dog. Their laughs and smiles, and their parents telling me to stop making funny faces with them so they can go to bed. I want to be there for them. I want to see the people they become. Last but not least, Sadie, as she will never get over me not coming home.
. . .
I can’t give up this daily struggle; the struggle of control. Giving up means to let go of all that I have accomplished, all that I have been through – the good and the bad. Believe me, I have thought about it, planned it (while crying myself to sleep in bed), but something told me to go to sleep and do it the next day. When the next day came, my mood had changed and the idea to self-destruct vanished like a dream.
All I know is this, there is a reason why we are here fighting this invisible evil every minute of our lives, it is so we can show ourselves – appreciate ourselves – of how great we really are, how strong we are.
This is a note – you are not alone. You are loved and appreciated. Keep fighting the fight, day by day, hour by hour. Don’t give up.
About the Warrior:
It has been 5-6 years since I was “officially” diagnosed with PMDD. Before that, I didn’t understand what was happening and was constantly researching for clues as to what it could be. Finally, I landed on PMDD (years before being diagnosed) and now I know that I will never give up fighting this thing with a name.
*Image Credit: Svetlana Novikova